ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
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must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.