You Might Also Like
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.