Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
You Might Also Like
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”