i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship