what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
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Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.