“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it