In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
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“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts