FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
🚲+physics = winner
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.