[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: