Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
You Might Also Like
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.