“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.