Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
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SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
The little toadstool has spoken.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
The Sun’s probably Asian.
With this onion ring, I thee fed