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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.