[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
pat pat
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch