You Might Also Like
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?