I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes