4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?