Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.