HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…