A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
bury ourselves
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?