👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.