Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.