Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
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It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
😅😅😅
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*