Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Danger is very dangerous
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.