There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
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Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Danger is very dangerous
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.