I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
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“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy