Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
birds and squirrels envy us
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day