Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
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I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.