I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Britain be like
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.