Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
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Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Oops I deleted….
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet