*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up