You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
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her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.