Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
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lol
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Worth the read.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.