society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’d love this…lol
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.