Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
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My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.