boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
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Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Xylophonist Shredding It
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates