It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught