the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
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To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Before & after 😅
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”