Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.