jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
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Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Fiction has to make sense.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
a fate I wish upon no one