The French cow says MEUX…
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hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Quadruple digit IQ
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
never forget
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves