My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
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Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.