Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
CUTE CAT‼︎
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*