Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.