2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”