My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My typo game is string.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is