It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*