squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Buck naked
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.