I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Isn’t
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?