A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Krampus.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Woke up with morning Yule Log
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.